an odyssey of speaking the unspeakable...
32 flavors and then some...
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Tuesday, April 06, 2004
the "unspeakable"
journal entry--dland 'private' version
(pre-group notes)
yet more "stuff" rolling around in my head.
including a connection i made last night that was so glaringly OBVIOUS, yet in finally "allowing" myself to 'go there', is on another level...deeply astonishing.
although i am determined to fully flesh it out on paper, this is not the time (in the car, smokin' out the window, group shortly).
but it is something, the one part of it anyway, that i have never put out in any way.
it has always occupied a significant chunk of my internal landscape, but is my deepest "secret", perhaps the only thing of any meaning that i have never spoke of (even having been in what, 7? 8? years of therapy, lol), never approached, never even hinted at, to anyone, not even C.
so hidden i have never been able to bring myself to even write the words. or "the" word...
s.p.a.n.k.i.n.g.
i am a "spanko"
something i have simply known for as long as i remember.
and the astonishing connection is between that unflinching fact + the extensively documented history of my "bratting", specifically in "therapeutic relationships"...
finally expanded a bit 9/23/04:
well ok, not really "astonishing."
its like this:
i have long jokingly talked about being a "brat" at times--mostly referring to my er, stubborn streak...ok obstinate in some cases;
and just doing, for the most part, smart-ass shit to ya know, keep people on their toes;
etc.
only very recently, however, have i come across this whole "brats" and "bratting" thing in online spanko world, or at least to this extent--which is such that i haven't the slightest clue how i missed it before, being how long (at least 6 years probably) and how many places i've been lurking about.
but whatever.
so i guess its not so much a "connection" persay.
i mean, i don't feel like i actually fit with that 'label' or what have you, as i've seen it portrayed.
just, for whatever reason, it triggered this sort of "click," and suddenly...i was sick of feeling whatever it was, guilt?, about something i intellectually knew there is no reason really why i should.
and not like i'm gonna go yelling about it in the streets, but just a--coming out of lurkdom; and b--allowing myself to start writing and put my crazy imagination to use, and etc...
i am genuinely becoming more comfortable within myself at least...
journal entry--dland 'private' version
(pre-group notes)
yet more "stuff" rolling around in my head.
including a connection i made last night that was so glaringly OBVIOUS, yet in finally "allowing" myself to 'go there', is on another level...deeply astonishing.
although i am determined to fully flesh it out on paper, this is not the time (in the car, smokin' out the window, group shortly).
but it is something, the one part of it anyway, that i have never put out in any way.
it has always occupied a significant chunk of my internal landscape, but is my deepest "secret", perhaps the only thing of any meaning that i have never spoke of (even having been in what, 7? 8? years of therapy, lol), never approached, never even hinted at, to anyone, not even C.
so hidden i have never been able to bring myself to even write the words. or "the" word...
s.p.a.n.k.i.n.g.
i am a "spanko"
something i have simply known for as long as i remember.
and the astonishing connection is between that unflinching fact + the extensively documented history of my "bratting", specifically in "therapeutic relationships"...
finally expanded a bit 9/23/04:
well ok, not really "astonishing."
its like this:
i have long jokingly talked about being a "brat" at times--mostly referring to my er, stubborn streak...ok obstinate in some cases;
and just doing, for the most part, smart-ass shit to ya know, keep people on their toes;
etc.
only very recently, however, have i come across this whole "brats" and "bratting" thing in online spanko world, or at least to this extent--which is such that i haven't the slightest clue how i missed it before, being how long (at least 6 years probably) and how many places i've been lurking about.
but whatever.
so i guess its not so much a "connection" persay.
i mean, i don't feel like i actually fit with that 'label' or what have you, as i've seen it portrayed.
just, for whatever reason, it triggered this sort of "click," and suddenly...i was sick of feeling whatever it was, guilt?, about something i intellectually knew there is no reason really why i should.
and not like i'm gonna go yelling about it in the streets, but just a--coming out of lurkdom; and b--allowing myself to start writing and put my crazy imagination to use, and etc...
i am genuinely becoming more comfortable within myself at least...
oh no don't you put me in that box you know what you can do with those locks bet your life i'll come crawling out again you'll have to deal with me then you'll hear me in the wind...