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pandoras_box
Thursday, September 23, 2004
a zara+jax story: independently gone bats, part 4/4 (F/f)
ummmmmm...
~~~~~~~~~~
..."But the big question, little one is WHY," Jax said quietly.
"Look Z--you have been working so hard, and you've come incredibly far just in the past year..."
"I mean, hell, it's been what--like three months?--since you last needed your bottom warmed?" she chanced teasing.
*hmph* colorful mutter--"four"--crasser mutter *hmph*
"Sorry lovey," Jax couldn't help but chuckle.
*hmph*
Serious again, Jax said, "But its true ya know--none of the 'tantrums' you were, albeit understandingly, resorting to for a while there; no futile attempts to cover up things--and yes, I do know how many times I have said this--but that there is no logical reason to be trying to in the first place, sweetie..."
"But beyond that Z, and of GREAT significance, you haven't been doing any of those 'things' to begin with for quite some time longer now. Face it babe--you have actually been doing that nutty think called 'taking care of yourself.'"
"Now," Jax quickly continued before Z could get a sarcastic comment in. "That doesn't mean there isn't more work to do, for all of us who love you to help you do. You're dealing with some 'tough stuff' lovey--to say the least. You are also, for sure, the strongest and most resilient person I have ever met. But as you well know, 'it's a process, not an event.'"
Jax smiled briefly, knowing her last several statements, having included some of Z's most favorite phrases, had earned a whole string of big 'ole eye rolls.
Jax was communicating nothing novel, but it always bore repeating.
(She is a therapist after all...)
"And in that process lovey," she continued, "are a lot of new experiences, these 'good' and 'normal' things...that scare the living hell out of you. I get that babe, I do. I hate the times when you auto-react in the 'old' ways instead of reaching out to me or someone else, when I have to watch you turning against yourself. Nonetheless, I begrudgingly understand that too..."
Zara had been quiet for a while now, which for her could mean any number of things.
She had shifted position some, snuggled a little tighter into Jax's body.
But Jax, who had a better look at Z's face now, could tell she was still 'with' her; and, all eye-rolling aside, was trying to genuinely 'take in' her words.
Jax ruffled Z's hair and continued speaking.
"But this is a new one Zara. It's not in your usual self-destruction toolbox."
"As Hailey, *ahem*, noted yesterday, you seriously and very openly despise alcohol."
Jax paused before going on.
"You hated that your aunt was drunk 24/7. It terrified you that the one fractionally decent person in your family still lashed out at you sometimes..."
Praying that she was not pushing Zara too far, she stroked her back and continued, "And that's not even taking into account the worst events that alcohol is strongly associated with for you."
"Lovey, I know that you obviously know all this," Jax said, as a few more tears rolled down both their cheeks. "That is why I'm having so much trouble comprehending what happened this afternoon, honey."
"I don't know either Jax! I really, honestly don't," Z said, her voice cracking.
"Ok, lovey," Jax kissed her head. "It's alright...I'm not gonna push it anymore, tonight at least, ok."
They sat in silence for several minutes, Jax holding Zara close...
~~~~~~~~~~
..."Ok lovey, we can't put it off any longer. It's time for your spanking now."
A BIG, Fidgety *SIGH*
"Yup, I know kiddo. Believe me, I know...Unfortunately, you've really managed to do it this time, little one."
*HMPH*
"Come on Z," Jax sighed. "Go get your paddle."
Grumbling, she got up. "How in the porca puttana did the damn thing get to be 'mine' anyway? I want a fuckin' refund."
"Gosh Zara, I've never heard that one from you before," Jax said as Z handed her the old, brush-shaped paddle.
It is rather small and light compared to those famed and actual old-fashioned hairbrushes.
(It also has a story all its own, but that is for some other time...)
Nonetheless, it could still pack plenty of sting.
Z responded with a creative series of facial expressions--
while she pulled down her pants, and panties, and climbed across Jax's lap.
Jax smiled. "That's my girl. Thank you."
*HMPH*
Jax patted the bare bottom, then silently rubbed Z's back for a minute.
"Are you ready, lovey?"
"Yeah," she replied softly, the pre-spanking pouting stage now another completed.
"Why are you getting a spanking, Z?"
Zara mumbled something with her face buried into a pillow.
"Zara...?"
She turned her face to the side and peered back towards Jax, tears visible in her eyes.
Jax brushed the stray hair from Z's cheek.
"Tell me why, baby."
"Cuz I did some real dumb shit and I tried to lie to you about it."
Short and sweet--and blunt, Jax thought. Much like Zara herself...
*ahem* "Well...yeah, I guess that does mostly cover it...Do you know why else?"
Z just kept looking at her.
"Because I love you Zara. With my whole heart. And I'll keep dragging you away from those cliffs you're still too fond of as many times as I have to."
Z blinked through the increasing tears and turned her face back into the pillow...
~~~~~
Jax picked up the paddle and brought it down hard and fast on Zara's bare bottom right from the start.
She didn't bother "lecturing" any further.
Zara needed to be able to cry it all out.
Jax needed to reiterate the points that verbally she felt had already been sufficiently covered.
Neither wanted to drag this out any longer than necessary.
Z reacted essentially the same as she usually does during a spanking.
She rarely struggles or yells, resists or pleads.
Jax could see her clenching and unclenching her fists, then drumming her feet on the bed.
She quietly muttered the usual colorful Italian into the pillow, and began to sort of grunt at each smack of the paddle.
And finally--
the deep, hard sobbing broke through, her copious tears took over.
When it comes right down to it, that is what it is nearly always really all about--
getting Zara to just.let.all.the.shit.go.
After a couple minutes, Jax eased up and shortly switched to her hand.
"Do you really get it now little one?"
Z nodded through her sobs.
"Good," Jax sighed with tired relief, and gave one last spank to Z's hot and red little bottom.
She rubbed Zara's back in slow circles.
"That's my good girl. It's all over now, lovey. Just keep letting it all out, ok..."
"How about we get you up so I can hold you Z?"
Z passively allowed Jax to bring her panties and pants back up, and then guide her over to the big rocking chair.
Jax pulled her onto her lap; and Z curled up and cuddled in.
Jax held her tightly and rocked until the sobs quieted, and only the last of Z's tears still trickled down...
..."Owww," Zara pouted when Jax patted her bottom.
"Yes, I'm sure. I think it needed to 'Owww,'" Jax said, laughing at the poke in her stomach before she'd even gotten through the 'standard' line.
"...certifiable..." Z muttered.
THE End. Finally.
ummmmmm...
~~~~~~~~~~
..."But the big question, little one is WHY," Jax said quietly.
"Look Z--you have been working so hard, and you've come incredibly far just in the past year..."
"I mean, hell, it's been what--like three months?--since you last needed your bottom warmed?" she chanced teasing.
*hmph* colorful mutter--"four"--crasser mutter *hmph*
"Sorry lovey," Jax couldn't help but chuckle.
*hmph*
Serious again, Jax said, "But its true ya know--none of the 'tantrums' you were, albeit understandingly, resorting to for a while there; no futile attempts to cover up things--and yes, I do know how many times I have said this--but that there is no logical reason to be trying to in the first place, sweetie..."
"But beyond that Z, and of GREAT significance, you haven't been doing any of those 'things' to begin with for quite some time longer now. Face it babe--you have actually been doing that nutty think called 'taking care of yourself.'"
"Now," Jax quickly continued before Z could get a sarcastic comment in. "That doesn't mean there isn't more work to do, for all of us who love you to help you do. You're dealing with some 'tough stuff' lovey--to say the least. You are also, for sure, the strongest and most resilient person I have ever met. But as you well know, 'it's a process, not an event.'"
Jax smiled briefly, knowing her last several statements, having included some of Z's most favorite phrases, had earned a whole string of big 'ole eye rolls.
Jax was communicating nothing novel, but it always bore repeating.
(She is a therapist after all...)
"And in that process lovey," she continued, "are a lot of new experiences, these 'good' and 'normal' things...that scare the living hell out of you. I get that babe, I do. I hate the times when you auto-react in the 'old' ways instead of reaching out to me or someone else, when I have to watch you turning against yourself. Nonetheless, I begrudgingly understand that too..."
Zara had been quiet for a while now, which for her could mean any number of things.
She had shifted position some, snuggled a little tighter into Jax's body.
But Jax, who had a better look at Z's face now, could tell she was still 'with' her; and, all eye-rolling aside, was trying to genuinely 'take in' her words.
Jax ruffled Z's hair and continued speaking.
"But this is a new one Zara. It's not in your usual self-destruction toolbox."
"As Hailey, *ahem*, noted yesterday, you seriously and very openly despise alcohol."
Jax paused before going on.
"You hated that your aunt was drunk 24/7. It terrified you that the one fractionally decent person in your family still lashed out at you sometimes..."
Praying that she was not pushing Zara too far, she stroked her back and continued, "And that's not even taking into account the worst events that alcohol is strongly associated with for you."
"Lovey, I know that you obviously know all this," Jax said, as a few more tears rolled down both their cheeks. "That is why I'm having so much trouble comprehending what happened this afternoon, honey."
"I don't know either Jax! I really, honestly don't," Z said, her voice cracking.
"Ok, lovey," Jax kissed her head. "It's alright...I'm not gonna push it anymore, tonight at least, ok."
They sat in silence for several minutes, Jax holding Zara close...
~~~~~~~~~~
..."Ok lovey, we can't put it off any longer. It's time for your spanking now."
A BIG, Fidgety *SIGH*
"Yup, I know kiddo. Believe me, I know...Unfortunately, you've really managed to do it this time, little one."
*HMPH*
"Come on Z," Jax sighed. "Go get your paddle."
Grumbling, she got up. "How in the porca puttana did the damn thing get to be 'mine' anyway? I want a fuckin' refund."
"Gosh Zara, I've never heard that one from you before," Jax said as Z handed her the old, brush-shaped paddle.
It is rather small and light compared to those famed and actual old-fashioned hairbrushes.
(It also has a story all its own, but that is for some other time...)
Nonetheless, it could still pack plenty of sting.
Z responded with a creative series of facial expressions--
while she pulled down her pants, and panties, and climbed across Jax's lap.
Jax smiled. "That's my girl. Thank you."
*HMPH*
Jax patted the bare bottom, then silently rubbed Z's back for a minute.
"Are you ready, lovey?"
"Yeah," she replied softly, the pre-spanking pouting stage now another completed.
"Why are you getting a spanking, Z?"
Zara mumbled something with her face buried into a pillow.
"Zara...?"
She turned her face to the side and peered back towards Jax, tears visible in her eyes.
Jax brushed the stray hair from Z's cheek.
"Tell me why, baby."
"Cuz I did some real dumb shit and I tried to lie to you about it."
Short and sweet--and blunt, Jax thought. Much like Zara herself...
*ahem* "Well...yeah, I guess that does mostly cover it...Do you know why else?"
Z just kept looking at her.
"Because I love you Zara. With my whole heart. And I'll keep dragging you away from those cliffs you're still too fond of as many times as I have to."
Z blinked through the increasing tears and turned her face back into the pillow...
~~~~~
Jax picked up the paddle and brought it down hard and fast on Zara's bare bottom right from the start.
She didn't bother "lecturing" any further.
Zara needed to be able to cry it all out.
Jax needed to reiterate the points that verbally she felt had already been sufficiently covered.
Neither wanted to drag this out any longer than necessary.
Z reacted essentially the same as she usually does during a spanking.
She rarely struggles or yells, resists or pleads.
Jax could see her clenching and unclenching her fists, then drumming her feet on the bed.
She quietly muttered the usual colorful Italian into the pillow, and began to sort of grunt at each smack of the paddle.
And finally--
the deep, hard sobbing broke through, her copious tears took over.
When it comes right down to it, that is what it is nearly always really all about--
getting Zara to just.let.all.the.shit.go.
After a couple minutes, Jax eased up and shortly switched to her hand.
"Do you really get it now little one?"
Z nodded through her sobs.
"Good," Jax sighed with tired relief, and gave one last spank to Z's hot and red little bottom.
She rubbed Zara's back in slow circles.
"That's my good girl. It's all over now, lovey. Just keep letting it all out, ok..."
"How about we get you up so I can hold you Z?"
Z passively allowed Jax to bring her panties and pants back up, and then guide her over to the big rocking chair.
Jax pulled her onto her lap; and Z curled up and cuddled in.
Jax held her tightly and rocked until the sobs quieted, and only the last of Z's tears still trickled down...
..."Owww," Zara pouted when Jax patted her bottom.
"Yes, I'm sure. I think it needed to 'Owww,'" Jax said, laughing at the poke in her stomach before she'd even gotten through the 'standard' line.
"...certifiable..." Z muttered.
THE End. Finally.
a zara+jax story: independently gone bats, part 3/4 (F/f soon)
I am gonna go bats, truly, if I don't stop trying to edit. Just remember, Jax IS a therapist after all--her pretentious streak isn't my fault
~~~~~~~~~~
"...So I let Hailey and Caroline show me off and all that shit to their friends when we first got there," Z rolled her eyes.
"Finally I escaped and went over to any empty table so I could observe and, ya know, 'assess' the scene for a while."
"Hailey and Caroline were playing volleyball--kickin' ass I might add--and taking sips of their beers every so often."
"No one was drinking drinking really, except for the little frat picios crowd. A few other guys were trying to out-macho each other around the barbeque--what the hell is that about anyway, males and their charcoal obsession?"
"A mystery of the universe," Jax agreed.
Tay could serve up some fine bar-b-q chicken though...among other things...
"Go on, Zara," Jax snapped herself back to the matter at hand.
"Right...so everyone else was pretty much just hanging out, milling around--that's a big-ass house and yard Danny boy's got--talking, flirting, laughing, whatever..."
"Hmm, mmm," Jax prompted with a small smile.
"So, at some point, I went to get another diet coke..."
Z continued, her voice starting to get agitated. "And I hear a song come on that sounded remarkably like the one my floor music last year was mixed from."
Uh, oh, Jax thought.
"Sure enough, there are your 'overgrown scheming' zoccolas over at the stereo grinning like fucking fools," Z confirmed her intuition.
"I swear to goddess, I wished looks could kill at that moment," Z grumbled, a stronger statement actually, if you knew her, even if in exaggeration, than any crudeness she might spew forth.
"And THEN--then they fucking DARED me Jax!"
Jax had to admit that was a low blow.
Hailey and Caroline were blown away by the choreography and her all-around performance when they came to watch her clean up at East/West.
They knew Zara loved this routine too--yet likely did not get that it additionally meant something deeper to her or why.
Jax knew they had only the best of intentions, but they did not know Z well enough to understand the sorts of things that might "trigger" her.
Jax didn't even want to think about where those drunken and/or me-most-macho 'men' were during this...
Nor did Hailey and Caroline realize that the best way to bond with Z was surely not dragging her to a party, or any other unknown social situation--
Which is what all this lunacy was about in the first place.
And around it goes...
*SIGH*
"I just KNOW this was their revenge for me wearing shorts under that godforsaken skirt," Z continued grousing.
*sigh*..."So I 'get on stage' and 'go Shameless.'"
"Everyone was all into it, it was kinda crazy...And despite myself, I'm hamming it up."
"Dammit, I hate that," Zara muttered.
Yes, Jax took note, there again one of the major themes in her life.
The little attention Z did receive from her family as a child was generally not of a positive kind.
Moreover, because of who her father and uncle were--and especially due to the circumstances of the former's death--she also knew what it was to be an unwilling focus of the media's harsh glare.
Therefore--with the exception of when she was competing, when she is so in her element--Z still habitually sought to avoid all kinds of 'attention.'
Yet when she did find herself in the spotlight--a frequent event despite her efforts to the contrary--it was as if she were born for it.
Just another contradiction in "being Zara"...
"So I finish. I promise Hailey and Caroline that they will get theirs...Hey," Z looked at Jax. "You are gonna help me plot their payback, right?"
"Of course," Jax replied, swallowing a grin. "But not right now, little one," she said with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Was just making sure," Z suppressed her own devious smile.
"Um, yeah...so I went inside. Grabbed a big bag of ice, because of course my ankles hurt like figlios di puttanas; found a bathroom to put myself and my sanity back together while I iced--"
"Please don't tell me you did all the tumbling too Zara?!"
"Dude, I'm good, but I'm not that good! Grass is no spring floor...I just threw a couple fulls is all."
Jax looked up towards the ceiling, shaking her head. "Just"...on dirt and grass. With her perpetual 'nagging' ankle problems..."Just!"
"ANYways...so, I stayed in there as long as possible, until Hailey sent Caroline to come break down the door or something I guess...pretty sure she'd had another drink or two. I mean, she wasn't wasted or anything, but when Caroline is all gushy and touchy-feely, you know she's at least got a nice buzz going."
Z paused to catch her breath and then sighed.
"Fuck, I SO should have called you right then..."
"Uh, huh. But what did you do instead?"
Z was getting increasingly fidgety as she approached the actual point of the story.
*SIGH* "Instead, I went back outside, trying to invoke my invisibility super power. Finally got my damn soda..."
"And then this girl came up behind me, and she goes, 'Hey, good taste in music!' So of course I turn around and was like, 'Oh, you're an Ani fan?!' And she was and she listens to all the same stuff I do, Throwing Muses even..."
Z was biting her lip hard enough to go right through it.
Jax just looked at her and waited.
"The thing is...I dunno, it was weird, like..." Z sighed. "Like, some kind of instant connection thing...maybe because she's kinda fucked up too?...But ok, so, we sat there for a while and kept talking, about all sortsa shit and...and the conversation was so easy--I mean, I didn't want to run away once--like how bizarre is that?!...and..." she trailed off.
And Jax had a strong hunch why.
Along with this rare experience, one Z didn't often allow herself, of *gasp* genuine social comfort and enjoyment...Jax would place bets the immediate attraction she'd felt was not solely platonic.
But for so many reasons--the question of sexual orientation hardly even among them--Jax knew that anything sexuality-related was something Zara would go nowhere near at this point.
Nor was she objectively ready to-- there were a good number of other "issues" she needed to come more fully to terms with before she would be.
"Ok. So what then?"
"Soooo...so she said she was going to go get another wine cooler and did I want one...And not like I would give a shit anyway, but it wasn't in any 'pressuring' way..."
"But Jax I swear, I didn't even connect that 'Yeah, thanks' was like, an odd response! I was in some kind of psycho-fog or something, I dunno."
"And Hailey and Caroline were where at this point?"
"They were outside too and I was definitely in both of their lines' of sight. But I was mostly sitting with my back to both of 'em...Neither are to blame, Jax, really. It wasn't their fault."
Jax didn't respond except to prompt, "What happened next, Z?"
"Well...she came back pretty fast...She'd just grabbed a whole four-pack...She was only 15 I think, but I got the feeling she was pretty much already an alcoholic...Anyway, so we kept talking...And I was drinkin' one..." She let out a shaky sigh.
Jax sighed too. "And?"
"So I finished the bottle...and I don't know, I was still like fucking catatonic...I just mindlessly opened another one, and I was almost done it, when BAM--reason suddenly made an appearance and said 'Holy Socmel!? Have you lost your cotton-pickin' mind?!?"
Z was staring intensely at her feet.
"...And that's when I finally made an escape and called you...and--"
Jax took over.
"And when I arrived you got in the car looking SO guilty, as if you'd just killed someone, and you tried to tell me--scratch that, LIE to me, and quite disrespectfully so--that absolutely 'nothing' had happened, you were just 'tired.'"
For the most part Jax simply ignored Zara's "mouth."
There were a few well specified exceptions however; suffice to say, she did not appreciate being the direct and deliberate target of Z's lingual creativity.
"I know. I know, Jax. I get it. And I am so, so sorry. I really--"
Jax cut her off again.
"Do you get it Zara? Do you really get it?"
Zara realized this was now the time where she shut up. For a good while...
"Because, let's see. One, although I do again apologize for embarrassing you yesterday--you sure as hell did not 'behave.'"
"And then Zara, yet again, you had the gall--and with that attitude no less--to even think you could lie to me about it. And let me be clear Z, THAT--as usual--is really what you will be disciplined for."
Z still stared at her feet, wishing they would take her somewhere on the other side of the equator--and stat.
Jax was full-steam ahead by now.
Her tone was actually very calm, and would remain so.
However, she surely was not mincing words either.
Not that she ever did.
"But there are plenty more things wrong with this picture as well. Beginning with--you are thirteen Zara. Sometimes a very 'old,' ageless really, thirteen I realize, but still 13. Now, as Hailey and Caroline can tell you, although it's hardly news to you I'm pretty sure--neither Tay nor I were ever naive enough to think we can actually stop our kids from doing certain things, that like it or not, if kids are going to do, they are going to do. And a large percentage of teens drink. Which I do not condone--HOWEVER, one cannot demand the kind of honesty from our children that we do without ensuring to provide an atmosphere in which you guys genuinely feel that you can be that honest. So we set very firm ground rules--and lost a lot of sleep--but we did know we could trust them; that they were smart enough to stay safe; and if they did find themselves in any sort of trouble, they would come to us immediately."
"But I also happen to know neither Hailey nor Caroline ever drank when they were 13 Zara--that is really beyond the pale."
And Z continued her close examination of those feet.
Jax could also see however, by the almost crushed expression on Z's face and a few stray tears, that she was not just hearing, but also listening her. Therefore, she kept going (and going).
"Yet, even then Z, we both know that for you, it's almost beside the point. We'd be here all night if I listed every damn reason, but before we get to the LOOMING question, there is one more that I need to ask."
"Which is: Just how many meds are you on that say right on the bottle, 'You should not drink alcohol while taking this medication?' In addition, there is the matter of your size, little one--which, may I remind you--is significantly smaller than the average 13-year-old even. How you were only minorly intoxicated I have no idea, but if you had suffered a drug-interaction, it could have been that much more serious. Did you even think about any of that, Zara?"
"No, I didn't think so," Jax sighed when Z shook her head.
She pulled Zara to lie back against her chest, and settled her arms around the little waist.
She waited several moments before speaking again.
"That's mostly why I got so angry this afternoon, lovey. I was really, really SCARED--imagining all the things that could have happened to you," Jax said, her voice cracking slightly as a few tears of her own fell.
"I'm sorry," Z whispered.
Jax gave her a tight squeeze and sighed, "I know you are baby, I know."
She took a few moments to gather herself for the next portion of her monologue...
I am gonna go bats, truly, if I don't stop trying to edit. Just remember, Jax IS a therapist after all--her pretentious streak isn't my fault
~~~~~~~~~~
"...So I let Hailey and Caroline show me off and all that shit to their friends when we first got there," Z rolled her eyes.
"Finally I escaped and went over to any empty table so I could observe and, ya know, 'assess' the scene for a while."
"Hailey and Caroline were playing volleyball--kickin' ass I might add--and taking sips of their beers every so often."
"No one was drinking drinking really, except for the little frat picios crowd. A few other guys were trying to out-macho each other around the barbeque--what the hell is that about anyway, males and their charcoal obsession?"
"A mystery of the universe," Jax agreed.
Tay could serve up some fine bar-b-q chicken though...among other things...
"Go on, Zara," Jax snapped herself back to the matter at hand.
"Right...so everyone else was pretty much just hanging out, milling around--that's a big-ass house and yard Danny boy's got--talking, flirting, laughing, whatever..."
"Hmm, mmm," Jax prompted with a small smile.
"So, at some point, I went to get another diet coke..."
Z continued, her voice starting to get agitated. "And I hear a song come on that sounded remarkably like the one my floor music last year was mixed from."
Uh, oh, Jax thought.
"Sure enough, there are your 'overgrown scheming' zoccolas over at the stereo grinning like fucking fools," Z confirmed her intuition.
"I swear to goddess, I wished looks could kill at that moment," Z grumbled, a stronger statement actually, if you knew her, even if in exaggeration, than any crudeness she might spew forth.
"And THEN--then they fucking DARED me Jax!"
Jax had to admit that was a low blow.
Hailey and Caroline were blown away by the choreography and her all-around performance when they came to watch her clean up at East/West.
They knew Zara loved this routine too--yet likely did not get that it additionally meant something deeper to her or why.
Jax knew they had only the best of intentions, but they did not know Z well enough to understand the sorts of things that might "trigger" her.
Jax didn't even want to think about where those drunken and/or me-most-macho 'men' were during this...
Nor did Hailey and Caroline realize that the best way to bond with Z was surely not dragging her to a party, or any other unknown social situation--
Which is what all this lunacy was about in the first place.
And around it goes...
*SIGH*
"I just KNOW this was their revenge for me wearing shorts under that godforsaken skirt," Z continued grousing.
*sigh*..."So I 'get on stage' and 'go Shameless.'"
~~~~~
i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this
if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it...
~~~~~
i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this
if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it...
~~~~~
"Everyone was all into it, it was kinda crazy...And despite myself, I'm hamming it up."
"Dammit, I hate that," Zara muttered.
Yes, Jax took note, there again one of the major themes in her life.
The little attention Z did receive from her family as a child was generally not of a positive kind.
Moreover, because of who her father and uncle were--and especially due to the circumstances of the former's death--she also knew what it was to be an unwilling focus of the media's harsh glare.
Therefore--with the exception of when she was competing, when she is so in her element--Z still habitually sought to avoid all kinds of 'attention.'
Yet when she did find herself in the spotlight--a frequent event despite her efforts to the contrary--it was as if she were born for it.
Just another contradiction in "being Zara"...
"So I finish. I promise Hailey and Caroline that they will get theirs...Hey," Z looked at Jax. "You are gonna help me plot their payback, right?"
"Of course," Jax replied, swallowing a grin. "But not right now, little one," she said with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Was just making sure," Z suppressed her own devious smile.
"Um, yeah...so I went inside. Grabbed a big bag of ice, because of course my ankles hurt like figlios di puttanas; found a bathroom to put myself and my sanity back together while I iced--"
"Please don't tell me you did all the tumbling too Zara?!"
"Dude, I'm good, but I'm not that good! Grass is no spring floor...I just threw a couple fulls is all."
Jax looked up towards the ceiling, shaking her head. "Just"...on dirt and grass. With her perpetual 'nagging' ankle problems..."Just!"
"ANYways...so, I stayed in there as long as possible, until Hailey sent Caroline to come break down the door or something I guess...pretty sure she'd had another drink or two. I mean, she wasn't wasted or anything, but when Caroline is all gushy and touchy-feely, you know she's at least got a nice buzz going."
Z paused to catch her breath and then sighed.
"Fuck, I SO should have called you right then..."
"Uh, huh. But what did you do instead?"
Z was getting increasingly fidgety as she approached the actual point of the story.
*SIGH* "Instead, I went back outside, trying to invoke my invisibility super power. Finally got my damn soda..."
"And then this girl came up behind me, and she goes, 'Hey, good taste in music!' So of course I turn around and was like, 'Oh, you're an Ani fan?!' And she was and she listens to all the same stuff I do, Throwing Muses even..."
Z was biting her lip hard enough to go right through it.
Jax just looked at her and waited.
"The thing is...I dunno, it was weird, like..." Z sighed. "Like, some kind of instant connection thing...maybe because she's kinda fucked up too?...But ok, so, we sat there for a while and kept talking, about all sortsa shit and...and the conversation was so easy--I mean, I didn't want to run away once--like how bizarre is that?!...and..." she trailed off.
And Jax had a strong hunch why.
Along with this rare experience, one Z didn't often allow herself, of *gasp* genuine social comfort and enjoyment...Jax would place bets the immediate attraction she'd felt was not solely platonic.
But for so many reasons--the question of sexual orientation hardly even among them--Jax knew that anything sexuality-related was something Zara would go nowhere near at this point.
Nor was she objectively ready to-- there were a good number of other "issues" she needed to come more fully to terms with before she would be.
"Ok. So what then?"
"Soooo...so she said she was going to go get another wine cooler and did I want one...And not like I would give a shit anyway, but it wasn't in any 'pressuring' way..."
"But Jax I swear, I didn't even connect that 'Yeah, thanks' was like, an odd response! I was in some kind of psycho-fog or something, I dunno."
"And Hailey and Caroline were where at this point?"
"They were outside too and I was definitely in both of their lines' of sight. But I was mostly sitting with my back to both of 'em...Neither are to blame, Jax, really. It wasn't their fault."
Jax didn't respond except to prompt, "What happened next, Z?"
"Well...she came back pretty fast...She'd just grabbed a whole four-pack...She was only 15 I think, but I got the feeling she was pretty much already an alcoholic...Anyway, so we kept talking...And I was drinkin' one..." She let out a shaky sigh.
Jax sighed too. "And?"
"So I finished the bottle...and I don't know, I was still like fucking catatonic...I just mindlessly opened another one, and I was almost done it, when BAM--reason suddenly made an appearance and said 'Holy Socmel!? Have you lost your cotton-pickin' mind?!?"
Z was staring intensely at her feet.
"...And that's when I finally made an escape and called you...and--"
Jax took over.
"And when I arrived you got in the car looking SO guilty, as if you'd just killed someone, and you tried to tell me--scratch that, LIE to me, and quite disrespectfully so--that absolutely 'nothing' had happened, you were just 'tired.'"
For the most part Jax simply ignored Zara's "mouth."
There were a few well specified exceptions however; suffice to say, she did not appreciate being the direct and deliberate target of Z's lingual creativity.
"I know. I know, Jax. I get it. And I am so, so sorry. I really--"
Jax cut her off again.
"Do you get it Zara? Do you really get it?"
Zara realized this was now the time where she shut up. For a good while...
"Because, let's see. One, although I do again apologize for embarrassing you yesterday--you sure as hell did not 'behave.'"
"And then Zara, yet again, you had the gall--and with that attitude no less--to even think you could lie to me about it. And let me be clear Z, THAT--as usual--is really what you will be disciplined for."
Z still stared at her feet, wishing they would take her somewhere on the other side of the equator--and stat.
Jax was full-steam ahead by now.
Her tone was actually very calm, and would remain so.
However, she surely was not mincing words either.
Not that she ever did.
"But there are plenty more things wrong with this picture as well. Beginning with--you are thirteen Zara. Sometimes a very 'old,' ageless really, thirteen I realize, but still 13. Now, as Hailey and Caroline can tell you, although it's hardly news to you I'm pretty sure--neither Tay nor I were ever naive enough to think we can actually stop our kids from doing certain things, that like it or not, if kids are going to do, they are going to do. And a large percentage of teens drink. Which I do not condone--HOWEVER, one cannot demand the kind of honesty from our children that we do without ensuring to provide an atmosphere in which you guys genuinely feel that you can be that honest. So we set very firm ground rules--and lost a lot of sleep--but we did know we could trust them; that they were smart enough to stay safe; and if they did find themselves in any sort of trouble, they would come to us immediately."
"But I also happen to know neither Hailey nor Caroline ever drank when they were 13 Zara--that is really beyond the pale."
And Z continued her close examination of those feet.
Jax could also see however, by the almost crushed expression on Z's face and a few stray tears, that she was not just hearing, but also listening her. Therefore, she kept going (and going).
"Yet, even then Z, we both know that for you, it's almost beside the point. We'd be here all night if I listed every damn reason, but before we get to the LOOMING question, there is one more that I need to ask."
"Which is: Just how many meds are you on that say right on the bottle, 'You should not drink alcohol while taking this medication?' In addition, there is the matter of your size, little one--which, may I remind you--is significantly smaller than the average 13-year-old even. How you were only minorly intoxicated I have no idea, but if you had suffered a drug-interaction, it could have been that much more serious. Did you even think about any of that, Zara?"
"No, I didn't think so," Jax sighed when Z shook her head.
She pulled Zara to lie back against her chest, and settled her arms around the little waist.
She waited several moments before speaking again.
"That's mostly why I got so angry this afternoon, lovey. I was really, really SCARED--imagining all the things that could have happened to you," Jax said, her voice cracking slightly as a few tears of her own fell.
"I'm sorry," Z whispered.
Jax gave her a tight squeeze and sighed, "I know you are baby, I know."
She took a few moments to gather herself for the next portion of her monologue...
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
a zara+jax story: independently gone bats, part 2/4 (F/f eventually)
a relatively short part--no worries tho, the last 2 are plenty long and rambling and psycho-babbling
will post the next as soon as i give up my obsessive and futile efforts to scale it down a bit (same goes for part 4)...
~~~~~~~~~~
...Jackie slammed into the house.
In tow were two very reluctant young adults, and a scowling adolescent who at times possessed more maturity than either.
That would not appear to be the case today.
"Zara, GET!" Jax barked, pointing to the stairs.
Z was already halfway to her bedroom.
"Your father will deal with you two," she spat out at the thoroughly sheepish Hailey and Caroline.
"Which you should consider a blessing from the angels above--because I am of half a mind to turn the both of you over my knee right here and now."
With that, Jackie slammed back out the front door, to take, what would surely be, a long drive to simmer down.
The older sisters stared wide-eyed after the crazy lady.
"Bonkers," they agreed.
"Totally off her rocker."
~~~~~~~~~~
Jackie arrived back home about two hours later.
A note from Taylor said he had taken Hailey, Caroline, and Issac out to dinner. They would probably go see a movie afterwards.
Hmm, real subtle Tay, Jackie thought with a half-hearted smile. He always did know when to clear house.
Her anger had subsided; but it had only been a cover for her fear anyway--and that had NOT abated.
It was not so much what HAD occurred--but WHY it might have and what COULD have that scared her.
So Zara had a drink or two. Ok, not good, clearly--but it is doubtful Jackie would have 'gone crackers' as she had if it had not been Zara.
Because nothing is ever simple with Z.
This was not your average teenager experimenting with her peers or trying to impress some older kids.
For one, Z only "experimented" with her own sanity (and/or mortality).
In addition, she didn't really give a damn about "impressing" hardly anyone.
It was likely to be 'one of those nights,' and a long one, for Z and Jax...
~~~~~~~~~~
Hearing no answer when she knocked, Jackie went ahead and opened Zara's bedroom door.
She could see Z from the back, sitting on the porch roof that was right outside her window.
She was smoking a cigarette.
Jax could only shake her head.
One thing you gotta say for my Zara, she thought ruefully. As the little one herself would put it, she sure does got ovaries.
Z may not care about "impressing" people, but she does very much want to please those select few she allows to truly know her--and Jax of course most of all.
But, well, you see...there is always that little part of Z that simply cannot stomach being "too good."
It makes her nauseous.
So she says.
The occasional, *ahem* well-timed, smoke was Zara's most recent ploy to psuedo-provoke.
Jax knew it; Z knew she knew it; and they both knew it wouldn't be long until she moved on to something else.
~~~~~
Jax climbed out the window and sat down next to Zara in silence.
When she casually lit a cigarette herself, Z's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
"We've already all gone off the deep end today," Jax shrugged at her, trying hard not to laugh (or cough) as Z picked her jaw back up off the ground.
"So, you want to tell me about it?"
"Not particularly."
"I do always set myself up with that one, don't I," Jax sighed.
"I'll rephrase: We're going to go inside now Zara, and you will tell me everything that happened today."
"Oh, allright," Z grumbled.
Zara bit her lip nervously as Jax sat next to her on the bed, the both of them with their legs stretched out in front and backs against the pillows.
"Ummm..."
"From the beginning little one and no skipping details."
Yes, they both knew the routine well...
a relatively short part--no worries tho, the last 2 are plenty long and rambling and psycho-babbling
will post the next as soon as i give up my obsessive and futile efforts to scale it down a bit (same goes for part 4)...
~~~~~~~~~~
...Jackie slammed into the house.
In tow were two very reluctant young adults, and a scowling adolescent who at times possessed more maturity than either.
That would not appear to be the case today.
"Zara, GET!" Jax barked, pointing to the stairs.
Z was already halfway to her bedroom.
"Your father will deal with you two," she spat out at the thoroughly sheepish Hailey and Caroline.
"Which you should consider a blessing from the angels above--because I am of half a mind to turn the both of you over my knee right here and now."
With that, Jackie slammed back out the front door, to take, what would surely be, a long drive to simmer down.
The older sisters stared wide-eyed after the crazy lady.
"Bonkers," they agreed.
"Totally off her rocker."
~~~~~~~~~~
Jackie arrived back home about two hours later.
A note from Taylor said he had taken Hailey, Caroline, and Issac out to dinner. They would probably go see a movie afterwards.
Hmm, real subtle Tay, Jackie thought with a half-hearted smile. He always did know when to clear house.
Her anger had subsided; but it had only been a cover for her fear anyway--and that had NOT abated.
It was not so much what HAD occurred--but WHY it might have and what COULD have that scared her.
So Zara had a drink or two. Ok, not good, clearly--but it is doubtful Jackie would have 'gone crackers' as she had if it had not been Zara.
Because nothing is ever simple with Z.
This was not your average teenager experimenting with her peers or trying to impress some older kids.
For one, Z only "experimented" with her own sanity (and/or mortality).
In addition, she didn't really give a damn about "impressing" hardly anyone.
It was likely to be 'one of those nights,' and a long one, for Z and Jax...
~~~~~~~~~~
Hearing no answer when she knocked, Jackie went ahead and opened Zara's bedroom door.
She could see Z from the back, sitting on the porch roof that was right outside her window.
She was smoking a cigarette.
Jax could only shake her head.
One thing you gotta say for my Zara, she thought ruefully. As the little one herself would put it, she sure does got ovaries.
Z may not care about "impressing" people, but she does very much want to please those select few she allows to truly know her--and Jax of course most of all.
But, well, you see...there is always that little part of Z that simply cannot stomach being "too good."
It makes her nauseous.
So she says.
The occasional, *ahem* well-timed, smoke was Zara's most recent ploy to psuedo-provoke.
Jax knew it; Z knew she knew it; and they both knew it wouldn't be long until she moved on to something else.
~~~~~
Jax climbed out the window and sat down next to Zara in silence.
When she casually lit a cigarette herself, Z's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
"We've already all gone off the deep end today," Jax shrugged at her, trying hard not to laugh (or cough) as Z picked her jaw back up off the ground.
"So, you want to tell me about it?"
"Not particularly."
"I do always set myself up with that one, don't I," Jax sighed.
"I'll rephrase: We're going to go inside now Zara, and you will tell me everything that happened today."
"Oh, allright," Z grumbled.
Zara bit her lip nervously as Jax sat next to her on the bed, the both of them with their legs stretched out in front and backs against the pillows.
"Ummm..."
"From the beginning little one and no skipping details."
Yes, they both knew the routine well...
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
another zara+jax story: independently gone bats 1/4 (F/f eventually)
Caroline was home for the summer after finishing her first year in college.
Hailey, newly graduated and living in New York, was visiting for July 4th weekend.
They wanted to take 13-year-old Zara to a party.
It was Caroline's idea initially.
Hailey, however, is the inimitable social planner in every group of people she has ever encountered.
Caroline was more than happy to let big sis run with it.
Jackie looked at them as if they had unequivocally lost their minds.
~~~~~
Zara wasn't strongly invested in this little plan--or perhaps project would be more accurate.
But for "simple curiosity", she Ok'd moving forward with it.
Neither large social gatherings nor strangers in any number are real high on Z's likes list.
She knew perfectly well, however, what this was about.
Neither Caroline nor, even more so, Hailey had been around enough in the last two years to 'wear her down' as Tay and Issac had--
In other words, they hadn't had the opportunity to really get to know Zara as their dad and younger little brother did.
However, they both very much wanted to build a closer relationship with Z--whom each had already embraced as their "little sis."
On Z's part, the very concept was fascinating, compelling...and real fucking scary.
Having sisters--particularly older ones--seemed something enviable to Z.
Sisters have a very special kind of bond, she had heard.
Z yearned to share in that.
Simultaneously, the idea of such closeness, specifically and generally both, frightened her--although not as much as it once did.
Z had made great progress in believing that the Rosen's considered her, and truly did want her, to be a member of the family.
She was most genuinely secure naturally in her relationship with Jax, that she really was "her girl," and yes, with an obligatory
, her "little one" too.
Z still had her moments however.
And she couldn't deny the pangs of jealousy she felt at times towards "the girls."
Nevertheless, Z could not help but to feel flattered, honored even, by Hailey and Caroline's eager efforts to include her--
Never mind their utter lack of a clue that it was irrelevant to knowing her.
[[Although they really are very rational, balanced, and responsible young adults the vast majority of the time, the Rosen sisters also share a tendency, every once in a blue moon, to lose a few screws when their minds get fixated on something...]]
Moreover, Z simply could not bring herself to dampen Hailey's excitement especially--
The oldest Rosen sister on a social crusade is quite something to behold...
~~~~~~~~~~
23-year-old Hailey enthusiastically presented the plan to her parents.
Jackie said, "Have you gone completely MAD?!"
Taylor sat back to watch the show.
Zara passed him the popcorn.
"What do you mean mom? What's the problem?" Hailey feigned ignorance.
"The 'problem' Hailey is that she is thirteen years old. Even the 'cool mom' ain't that cool."
"Oh mom, come on. We're not taking her to a frat party or something! You know Danny. He has this big all-day bar-b-q every year; and we all bring our baby brothers and sisters along. It's a blast. And, I mean, Caroline's been going with me for ages!"
Caroline bit down on her tongue--hard--bristling at the indignity.
But Hailey is a pro, she reminded herself; she would save expressing her outrage for later.
Jackie eyed the two of them suspiciously.
Chanting to herself, *I will not become my mother. I will not...*, she tried to formulate a response other than, "I said NO...Because I'm the mom and I SAID so, that's why."
"One, I am pretty sure 'ages' does not extend as far back as to when Caroline was 13. Two, yes of course I know Danny; and I am very familiar with the annual 'Independence' day 'bash.'"
The intended meaning behind Jackie's choice of words and intonation was unknown, but she managed to make it sound foreboding nonetheless.
"I also know very well," Jackie continued, "that your friends' 'baby' siblings will not be limited in their choice of beverages."
She looked pointedly at 19-year-old Caroline, who had drawn blood with the repeated insult to her practically-an-adult status.
*Hailey had better come up with something good,* she grimaced.
*And soon--I could have told her the juvenile, histrionic crap wouldn't work.*
"Mom," Hailey began, calm and confident. "You and dad have always trusted us to be smart and to exercise the good judgment that you guys taught us. And Caroline and I both have always done so. And you know we would NEVER let anything happen to Z!"
She paused before adding, "Besides, we all know how Z feels about drinking. She would as soon take a sip of alcohol as go running naked in the streets."
Tay burst out laughing and nearly fell off the couch.
Z started to unzip her hoodie.
Caroline fruitlessly tried to muffle her giggles.
And Hailey looked quite pleased with herself.
"I need some fresh air," Jackie grumbled and stalked out towards the deck.
Hailey and Caroline pumped their fists in the air.
~~~~~~~~~~
About ten minutes later, an all-business mama bear strode back into the living room.
"You two," Jackie pointed at Hailey and Caroline, "will both keep your eyes on her at all times. You will also use especially good judgment in all ways. And yes, I do trust you to be safe, but I am driving you all anyway."
She turned around to address and point at Zara now. "And you, little one, if you at all value the comfort of your bottom, will behave yourself."
Poor Z turned 17 shades of red.
However, Tay, Hailey and Caroline were gracious enough to show no visible reactions.
"And the second you want to leave," Jax continued, you will call me immediately to come get you. Are we clear Zara?"
Zara nodded with all the dignity she could muster.
Hailey's description of the bar-b-q as an "all day" affair was no exaggeration.
It would start at noon and go to midnight at the very least.
Whether driving or not, Hailey and Caroline would likely sleep at a friends' house nearby Danny's.
There was no need to set any "curfew" for Z however.
Jax gave it 3 hours tops for Z to have more than her fill.
"And you two overgrown schemers?" Jackie turned back to face the grinning victors. "Do we understand one another?"
"Yes mom," they sang in chorus.
"Good," Jackie exhaled pseudo-gruffly.
Hailey attacked her first with kisses and a bear hug.
"Thanks mom! You are the COOLEST, the bestest EVER!"
Caroline gave Z a high-five and they quickly had Jackie surrounded.
She was outnumbered again, and no match for her three girls celebrating a mission accomplished.
Jackie reveled in the moment, even as she muttered, "I still think you've all gone soft in the head."
~~~~~
As Hailey and Caroline went trotting up the steps, the younger sister called out, "Come on Z, we've gotta get ready to take you shopping!"
Jax and Taylor both laughed as Z stared at their retreating backs in abject horror.
"Chi cazzo spiked their cornflakes anyway?" she groused.
"Or YOURS for that matter!" Z glowered when Jax put an arm around her shoulders.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that lovey. I must have gone daft there for a moment myself," Jax winked. "Not that I didn't mean what I said, little one...but it wasn't fair to embarrass you and I do apologize."
*HMPH*
Jax leaned down and rested her chin on the top of Z's head. "Aww, come on kiddo--pleeeaaase forgive me?"
"Oh, ALLRIGHT," she grumbled.
Although she was still irritated, it was as much because she never could seem to stay mad at Jax for very long goddammit.
"Are you sure you really even want to go Z?" Jax asked, serious now.
"Jax, I'll be fine. Really I will," Z answered the question she knew Jax was really asking.
Just then, they heard voices calling for Z from upstairs.
"The two of them are really going all out, eh?" Jax smiled, also fully aware of--and equally dubious about--the purpose of Hailey and Caroline's efforts.
"Goddess, help me," Z dramatized as she made her exit.
"Oh, by the way, thanks SO much for all your help there Dad," Jackie said as Tay came and put his arms around her from behind.
"Sorry darlin'. But only a man with a death-wish would go near a pack of sparring Rosen women," he drawled.
"Tell ya what though, babe?" Tay continued as he kissed Jax's neck. "I promise I'll make it up to you."
"Mmmm..."
~~~~~~~~~~
Hailey and Caroline played dress-up, with an unenthused Zara as their doll.
First, they put her in a "cute" little wrap around skirt.
"A skirt!" Z screeched. "Jax is right. Ya'll have lost every last one of your fuckin' marbles!"
They swore to her that the thin strip in the pattern was red.
Z was positive it was pink.
Pink!
Oh, they would pay.
Hailey and Caroline insisted she wear a "real" bra under the fitted, wide-strapped tank that perfectly matched Z's striking green eyes.
"What in the porca miseria would I need that for?!"
Z reasonably informed them they were "mad as hatters" when they compromised on a sports bra that didn't actually look like one???
4'8" Zara would not budge on the shoes however.
The strappy and chunk-heeled sandals "won't be making me look any damn taller when I hit the ground face fuckin' first."
"Oh, alright. Fine Z. But could you at least wear your not-quite-so-'granola' Birks, like the half-decent looking pair we got you for Christmas?" Caroline said in her best tone of Hah-vard condescension.
"It would be my pleasure," she smirked.
Hailey and Caroline though were equally staunch in their refusal to allow Z to wear her medium-length black curls in the uniform ponytail.
"You have gorgeous hair Z," Hailey chided as she gleefully polluted the soft tresses with "that smelly gunky shit."
Then she held Z down while Caroline applied some lip-gloss and a bit of eyeliner.
"HELP! I'm being bloody tortured! My sisters are fucking WACKOS! Fuori come un balcone!! HELP!"
~~~~~
For an undersized, tomboyish 13-year-old, Z really does "clean up good."
Her soft black curls are quite lovely.
The flashing green eyes tell a thousand stories.
Her olive complexion seems to enhance even further the fantastically defined musculature that comes from the eight years already spent as a competitive gymnast--who, according to local and regional legend, has never lost a meet.
Zara refuses to confirm or deny.
The fact is, with the addition of her unassuming but enigmatic presence, Z possesses an unconventional--according to fascist cultural ideals that is, the proud little 'radical' would likely say
--beauty that can be neither masked nor artificially augmented.
And the standard uniform--athletic pants, tees and sweatshirts, the 'cool-messy' ponytail--that she seeks to find anonymous comfort in?...Like all the other tactics, to Z's great annoyance, it doesn't work so much.
~~~~~~~~~~
As Jackie predicted, the phone rang not quite three hours after she dropped her three daughters off at "Danny boys," as Z referred to Hailey's friend since high school.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, can you pick me up now?" Zara spoke abruptly.
"Uh, sure lovey, I'll leave in about five minutes."
*CLICK*
Jackie suddenly had a bad, bad feeling in the pit of her stomach...
Caroline was home for the summer after finishing her first year in college.
Hailey, newly graduated and living in New York, was visiting for July 4th weekend.
They wanted to take 13-year-old Zara to a party.
It was Caroline's idea initially.
Hailey, however, is the inimitable social planner in every group of people she has ever encountered.
Caroline was more than happy to let big sis run with it.
Jackie looked at them as if they had unequivocally lost their minds.
~~~~~
Zara wasn't strongly invested in this little plan--or perhaps project would be more accurate.
But for "simple curiosity", she Ok'd moving forward with it.
Neither large social gatherings nor strangers in any number are real high on Z's likes list.
She knew perfectly well, however, what this was about.
Neither Caroline nor, even more so, Hailey had been around enough in the last two years to 'wear her down' as Tay and Issac had--
In other words, they hadn't had the opportunity to really get to know Zara as their dad and younger little brother did.
However, they both very much wanted to build a closer relationship with Z--whom each had already embraced as their "little sis."
On Z's part, the very concept was fascinating, compelling...and real fucking scary.
Having sisters--particularly older ones--seemed something enviable to Z.
Sisters have a very special kind of bond, she had heard.
Z yearned to share in that.
Simultaneously, the idea of such closeness, specifically and generally both, frightened her--although not as much as it once did.
Z had made great progress in believing that the Rosen's considered her, and truly did want her, to be a member of the family.
She was most genuinely secure naturally in her relationship with Jax, that she really was "her girl," and yes, with an obligatory
, her "little one" too.
Z still had her moments however.
And she couldn't deny the pangs of jealousy she felt at times towards "the girls."
Nevertheless, Z could not help but to feel flattered, honored even, by Hailey and Caroline's eager efforts to include her--
Never mind their utter lack of a clue that it was irrelevant to knowing her.
[[Although they really are very rational, balanced, and responsible young adults the vast majority of the time, the Rosen sisters also share a tendency, every once in a blue moon, to lose a few screws when their minds get fixated on something...]]
Moreover, Z simply could not bring herself to dampen Hailey's excitement especially--
The oldest Rosen sister on a social crusade is quite something to behold...
~~~~~~~~~~
23-year-old Hailey enthusiastically presented the plan to her parents.
Jackie said, "Have you gone completely MAD?!"
Taylor sat back to watch the show.
Zara passed him the popcorn.
"What do you mean mom? What's the problem?" Hailey feigned ignorance.
"The 'problem' Hailey is that she is thirteen years old. Even the 'cool mom' ain't that cool."
"Oh mom, come on. We're not taking her to a frat party or something! You know Danny. He has this big all-day bar-b-q every year; and we all bring our baby brothers and sisters along. It's a blast. And, I mean, Caroline's been going with me for ages!"
Caroline bit down on her tongue--hard--bristling at the indignity.
But Hailey is a pro, she reminded herself; she would save expressing her outrage for later.
Jackie eyed the two of them suspiciously.
Chanting to herself, *I will not become my mother. I will not...*, she tried to formulate a response other than, "I said NO...Because I'm the mom and I SAID so, that's why."
"One, I am pretty sure 'ages' does not extend as far back as to when Caroline was 13. Two, yes of course I know Danny; and I am very familiar with the annual 'Independence' day 'bash.'"
The intended meaning behind Jackie's choice of words and intonation was unknown, but she managed to make it sound foreboding nonetheless.
"I also know very well," Jackie continued, "that your friends' 'baby' siblings will not be limited in their choice of beverages."
She looked pointedly at 19-year-old Caroline, who had drawn blood with the repeated insult to her practically-an-adult status.
*Hailey had better come up with something good,* she grimaced.
*And soon--I could have told her the juvenile, histrionic crap wouldn't work.*
"Mom," Hailey began, calm and confident. "You and dad have always trusted us to be smart and to exercise the good judgment that you guys taught us. And Caroline and I both have always done so. And you know we would NEVER let anything happen to Z!"
She paused before adding, "Besides, we all know how Z feels about drinking. She would as soon take a sip of alcohol as go running naked in the streets."
Tay burst out laughing and nearly fell off the couch.
Z started to unzip her hoodie.
Caroline fruitlessly tried to muffle her giggles.
And Hailey looked quite pleased with herself.
"I need some fresh air," Jackie grumbled and stalked out towards the deck.
Hailey and Caroline pumped their fists in the air.
~~~~~~~~~~
About ten minutes later, an all-business mama bear strode back into the living room.
"You two," Jackie pointed at Hailey and Caroline, "will both keep your eyes on her at all times. You will also use especially good judgment in all ways. And yes, I do trust you to be safe, but I am driving you all anyway."
She turned around to address and point at Zara now. "And you, little one, if you at all value the comfort of your bottom, will behave yourself."
Poor Z turned 17 shades of red.
However, Tay, Hailey and Caroline were gracious enough to show no visible reactions.
"And the second you want to leave," Jax continued, you will call me immediately to come get you. Are we clear Zara?"
Zara nodded with all the dignity she could muster.
Hailey's description of the bar-b-q as an "all day" affair was no exaggeration.
It would start at noon and go to midnight at the very least.
Whether driving or not, Hailey and Caroline would likely sleep at a friends' house nearby Danny's.
There was no need to set any "curfew" for Z however.
Jax gave it 3 hours tops for Z to have more than her fill.
"And you two overgrown schemers?" Jackie turned back to face the grinning victors. "Do we understand one another?"
"Yes mom," they sang in chorus.
"Good," Jackie exhaled pseudo-gruffly.
Hailey attacked her first with kisses and a bear hug.
"Thanks mom! You are the COOLEST, the bestest EVER!"
Caroline gave Z a high-five and they quickly had Jackie surrounded.
She was outnumbered again, and no match for her three girls celebrating a mission accomplished.
Jackie reveled in the moment, even as she muttered, "I still think you've all gone soft in the head."
~~~~~
As Hailey and Caroline went trotting up the steps, the younger sister called out, "Come on Z, we've gotta get ready to take you shopping!"
Jax and Taylor both laughed as Z stared at their retreating backs in abject horror.
"Chi cazzo spiked their cornflakes anyway?" she groused.
"Or YOURS for that matter!" Z glowered when Jax put an arm around her shoulders.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that lovey. I must have gone daft there for a moment myself," Jax winked. "Not that I didn't mean what I said, little one...but it wasn't fair to embarrass you and I do apologize."
*HMPH*
Jax leaned down and rested her chin on the top of Z's head. "Aww, come on kiddo--pleeeaaase forgive me?"
"Oh, ALLRIGHT," she grumbled.
Although she was still irritated, it was as much because she never could seem to stay mad at Jax for very long goddammit.
"Are you sure you really even want to go Z?" Jax asked, serious now.
"Jax, I'll be fine. Really I will," Z answered the question she knew Jax was really asking.
Just then, they heard voices calling for Z from upstairs.
"The two of them are really going all out, eh?" Jax smiled, also fully aware of--and equally dubious about--the purpose of Hailey and Caroline's efforts.
"Goddess, help me," Z dramatized as she made her exit.
"Oh, by the way, thanks SO much for all your help there Dad," Jackie said as Tay came and put his arms around her from behind.
"Sorry darlin'. But only a man with a death-wish would go near a pack of sparring Rosen women," he drawled.
"Tell ya what though, babe?" Tay continued as he kissed Jax's neck. "I promise I'll make it up to you."
"Mmmm..."
~~~~~~~~~~
Hailey and Caroline played dress-up, with an unenthused Zara as their doll.
First, they put her in a "cute" little wrap around skirt.
"A skirt!" Z screeched. "Jax is right. Ya'll have lost every last one of your fuckin' marbles!"
They swore to her that the thin strip in the pattern was red.
Z was positive it was pink.
Pink!
Oh, they would pay.
Hailey and Caroline insisted she wear a "real" bra under the fitted, wide-strapped tank that perfectly matched Z's striking green eyes.
"What in the porca miseria would I need that for?!"
Z reasonably informed them they were "mad as hatters" when they compromised on a sports bra that didn't actually look like one???
4'8" Zara would not budge on the shoes however.
The strappy and chunk-heeled sandals "won't be making me look any damn taller when I hit the ground face fuckin' first."
"Oh, alright. Fine Z. But could you at least wear your not-quite-so-'granola' Birks, like the half-decent looking pair we got you for Christmas?" Caroline said in her best tone of Hah-vard condescension.
"It would be my pleasure," she smirked.
Hailey and Caroline though were equally staunch in their refusal to allow Z to wear her medium-length black curls in the uniform ponytail.
"You have gorgeous hair Z," Hailey chided as she gleefully polluted the soft tresses with "that smelly gunky shit."
Then she held Z down while Caroline applied some lip-gloss and a bit of eyeliner.
"HELP! I'm being bloody tortured! My sisters are fucking WACKOS! Fuori come un balcone!! HELP!"
~~~~~
For an undersized, tomboyish 13-year-old, Z really does "clean up good."
Her soft black curls are quite lovely.
The flashing green eyes tell a thousand stories.
Her olive complexion seems to enhance even further the fantastically defined musculature that comes from the eight years already spent as a competitive gymnast--who, according to local and regional legend, has never lost a meet.
Zara refuses to confirm or deny.
The fact is, with the addition of her unassuming but enigmatic presence, Z possesses an unconventional--according to fascist cultural ideals that is, the proud little 'radical' would likely say
--beauty that can be neither masked nor artificially augmented.
And the standard uniform--athletic pants, tees and sweatshirts, the 'cool-messy' ponytail--that she seeks to find anonymous comfort in?...Like all the other tactics, to Z's great annoyance, it doesn't work so much.
~~~~~~~~~~
As Jackie predicted, the phone rang not quite three hours after she dropped her three daughters off at "Danny boys," as Z referred to Hailey's friend since high school.
"Hello?"
"Yeah, can you pick me up now?" Zara spoke abruptly.
"Uh, sure lovey, I'll leave in about five minutes."
*CLICK*
Jackie suddenly had a bad, bad feeling in the pit of her stomach...
...little z space (a zara+jax story, F/f)
pretty much on the opposite end of the spectrum from the last zara story i posted, both in time and 'theme'...
also, i suppose there "should" be a first part to this, but i also don't think there "needs" to be one--
either way, "it" doesn't seem much interested in being written
~~~~~~~~~~
...Twelve-year-old Zara hesitated at the doorway of the living room, where 'her Jax' sat across the room reading.
In a small voice, she said "Jax?"
"Yes?" Jackie glanced up.
Although subtle, Z heard the slight chill in her voice.
Blinking back a tear, she mumbled "Nevermind," and turned to leave.
"Zara wait," Jax called after her. "I'm sorry lovey. Please don't go."
Z turned back around slowly.
She cautiously lifted her eyes to look at Jax, whose face had softened.
"Come talk to me little one."
She gingerly took a seat in the rocking chair, next to the couch where Jax sat on the far end.
"You don't want to sit here with me?" Jax asked, patting her lap.
Z shook her head no.
More to herself than Zara, Jax sighed, "Guess I can't blame ya little one. We've had a rough day."
Z was quite small for her age, standing just 4'8".
At present time, she was also a good bit underweight.
She focused her solemn eyes on the older woman.
Jackie herself appeared younger than one who had given birth to three children--though now considered herself to be the mother of four--the oldest of which was a senior in college.
Jax met Z's gaze, and carefully said, "I was pretty hard on you today, huh?"
Z's chin trembled as she dropped her head down.
"Are you still gonna give me another spankin'?"
Jax thought silently for a few moments.
Although a rare occurrence, the signs were immediately visible.
Since earlier in the day, Zara had done a sharp turn-around.
It was evident from the moment she came into the room that she had journeyed some distance, and drifted into what Jax called, "'little z' space."
The accompanying voice made her feel like a monster right about now.
However, just as she would never discipline Z in anger, neither had Jax made that 'promise' just for the hell of it or for no good reason.
"Yes lovey, I am," she said gently, her heart hurting as she watched Z's face and her girl's obvious struggle against the many and jumbled emotions within.
Quietly, Jax moved to the other end of the couch and placed a hand on Z's arm.
"Can I please hold you sweetie?"
With a small pout, Z replied with an unconvincing "No."
She offered no resistance however, when Jax picked her up and sat on the rocking chair herself.
"Come on little one," she said, pulling Z onto her lap.
Z only nestled her head against Jax's chest and, for a welcome change, let her tears flow freely.
Jax whispered soothing words and held her close.
They rocked like that for sometime, until the tears all dried and Z's eyelids were beginning to droop.
"We just have to take care of one thing lovey, before I tuck you in," Jax spoke softly.
Z looked up, pleading with her eyes.
"Shhh," Jax kissed the top of her head. "It'll be ok little one, I promise."
She got them both up, and Z took her offered hand as they walked upstairs.
Jax sat and waited while Z got ready for bed.
She stood the small girl between her legs, and hugged her tightly.
"I love you Zara. So, so much."
With that, Jax gently positioned Z across her lap.
Quickly and lightly, she spanked the seat of her pajamas ten times.
She then turned Z over and cradled her, wiping the lone tear rolling down her cheek.
"Ok, little one--see? That's it, we're all done now, lovey."
Jax kissed the sleepy face and lifted Z into the bed to lie on her tummy.
She handed Z her well-loved tweety bird and stretched out beside her.
Jax rubbed her little one's back as Z whispered, "Love you Jax" and swiftly fell asleep.
pretty much on the opposite end of the spectrum from the last zara story i posted, both in time and 'theme'...
also, i suppose there "should" be a first part to this, but i also don't think there "needs" to be one--
either way, "it" doesn't seem much interested in being written
~~~~~~~~~~
...Twelve-year-old Zara hesitated at the doorway of the living room, where 'her Jax' sat across the room reading.
In a small voice, she said "Jax?"
"Yes?" Jackie glanced up.
Although subtle, Z heard the slight chill in her voice.
Blinking back a tear, she mumbled "Nevermind," and turned to leave.
"Zara wait," Jax called after her. "I'm sorry lovey. Please don't go."
Z turned back around slowly.
She cautiously lifted her eyes to look at Jax, whose face had softened.
"Come talk to me little one."
She gingerly took a seat in the rocking chair, next to the couch where Jax sat on the far end.
"You don't want to sit here with me?" Jax asked, patting her lap.
Z shook her head no.
More to herself than Zara, Jax sighed, "Guess I can't blame ya little one. We've had a rough day."
Z was quite small for her age, standing just 4'8".
At present time, she was also a good bit underweight.
She focused her solemn eyes on the older woman.
Jackie herself appeared younger than one who had given birth to three children--though now considered herself to be the mother of four--the oldest of which was a senior in college.
Jax met Z's gaze, and carefully said, "I was pretty hard on you today, huh?"
Z's chin trembled as she dropped her head down.
"Are you still gonna give me another spankin'?"
Jax thought silently for a few moments.
Although a rare occurrence, the signs were immediately visible.
Since earlier in the day, Zara had done a sharp turn-around.
It was evident from the moment she came into the room that she had journeyed some distance, and drifted into what Jax called, "'little z' space."
The accompanying voice made her feel like a monster right about now.
However, just as she would never discipline Z in anger, neither had Jax made that 'promise' just for the hell of it or for no good reason.
"Yes lovey, I am," she said gently, her heart hurting as she watched Z's face and her girl's obvious struggle against the many and jumbled emotions within.
Quietly, Jax moved to the other end of the couch and placed a hand on Z's arm.
"Can I please hold you sweetie?"
With a small pout, Z replied with an unconvincing "No."
She offered no resistance however, when Jax picked her up and sat on the rocking chair herself.
"Come on little one," she said, pulling Z onto her lap.
Z only nestled her head against Jax's chest and, for a welcome change, let her tears flow freely.
Jax whispered soothing words and held her close.
They rocked like that for sometime, until the tears all dried and Z's eyelids were beginning to droop.
"We just have to take care of one thing lovey, before I tuck you in," Jax spoke softly.
Z looked up, pleading with her eyes.
"Shhh," Jax kissed the top of her head. "It'll be ok little one, I promise."
She got them both up, and Z took her offered hand as they walked upstairs.
Jax sat and waited while Z got ready for bed.
She stood the small girl between her legs, and hugged her tightly.
"I love you Zara. So, so much."
With that, Jax gently positioned Z across her lap.
Quickly and lightly, she spanked the seat of her pajamas ten times.
She then turned Z over and cradled her, wiping the lone tear rolling down her cheek.
"Ok, little one--see? That's it, we're all done now, lovey."
Jax kissed the sleepy face and lifted Z into the bed to lie on her tummy.
She handed Z her well-loved tweety bird and stretched out beside her.
Jax rubbed her little one's back as Z whispered, "Love you Jax" and swiftly fell asleep.
Friday, September 17, 2004
(an all grown-up! and...) naughty, naughty zara F/F
preamble from SIN:
that it's the same character i've already been writing about--at a younger age in very different circumstances--is really relevant only to me at this point.
the whole 'in-between' is in my head, but it'll prob. be a while before it finds its way onto a puter screen.
so right now, my stories (i actually have a bunch just about done and a few more in progress. woah.) are likely to jump between the two situations--
[[the one in this story definitely being my first stab in the erotic realm, so, eh a little unsure? ]]
just a warning/apology i guess if its 'weird' for anyone.
k, i shut up now.
~~~~~~~~~~
...Zara stood before the bedroom closet, deciding what to wear the next day.
As she gazed at that adorable little ass from across the room, Emily's only interest in clothes was getting Z's off...
"Oh my Zara, you have been a naughty, naughty girl, haven't you?" Emily walked over and pulled Z to her from behind.
"No," Z breathed in the always-intoxicating fragrance of her freshly showered partner.
"Oh yes, you have Zara.Michaela.Santi. A very, very naughty girl."
Em's voice was low and husky in Z's ear.
"Nooooo," she moaned, her knees already jelly.
"Oh yes, yes indeed. And do you know what happens to naughty girls Z?"
Em nibbled at her neck and ear and throat...
Zara gasped, "Not -- naughty."
Emily began to undress her slowly, fingers straying just...slightly...here...and there...
"Naughty girls get their pants and panties taken down...for a good, sound, spanking...on their naughty...bare...bottoms."
"Oh goddess, Em," Z groaned loudly.
Emily led her to their bed.
"In fact, a naughty girl like you just needs to be taken over her girlfriend's knee, to have her naughty, bare, bottom spanked good, and proper, until she learns to mend her naughty, naughty ways.
Z moaned as Em drew her over her lap.
Emily alternately rubbed, and placed stingy spanks all over Z's bottom and quivering upper thighs.
"And that is going to take a long time and a lot of spankings for a girl as naughty as you are Zara," Em continued in the same deep, slow drawl that made Z's head spin and spin...
"Air -- I need -- air," she gasped.
"Yes, you're going to need a lot of air, my naughty girl, crying your cute little eyes out, over my knee--as I tan your naughty, bare bottom, and good, with this hairbrush."
Emily was lightly dragging the bristles down and up, and down the center of Z's bottom, and her inner thighs, but never quite reaching...
"Oh.My.Fucking.God.Em."
"Such naughty language Zara Michaela!"
Z yelped, caught by surprise at the five hard smacks of the brush with which Em punctuated her words.
"Oh yes, I must get this naughty, naughty bottom heated up nice and toasty, right away," Em admonished coyly, her hand warming to the task.
She was rewarded with a growling, "Eeeemmm."
"Don't you worry, my naughty girl. I am going to make sure you get exactly what you need..."
preamble from SIN:
that it's the same character i've already been writing about--at a younger age in very different circumstances--is really relevant only to me at this point.
the whole 'in-between' is in my head, but it'll prob. be a while before it finds its way onto a puter screen.
so right now, my stories (i actually have a bunch just about done and a few more in progress. woah.) are likely to jump between the two situations--
[[the one in this story definitely being my first stab in the erotic realm, so, eh a little unsure? ]]
just a warning/apology i guess if its 'weird' for anyone.
k, i shut up now.
~~~~~~~~~~
...Zara stood before the bedroom closet, deciding what to wear the next day.
As she gazed at that adorable little ass from across the room, Emily's only interest in clothes was getting Z's off...
"Oh my Zara, you have been a naughty, naughty girl, haven't you?" Emily walked over and pulled Z to her from behind.
"No," Z breathed in the always-intoxicating fragrance of her freshly showered partner.
"Oh yes, you have Zara.Michaela.Santi. A very, very naughty girl."
Em's voice was low and husky in Z's ear.
"Nooooo," she moaned, her knees already jelly.
"Oh yes, yes indeed. And do you know what happens to naughty girls Z?"
Em nibbled at her neck and ear and throat...
Zara gasped, "Not -- naughty."
Emily began to undress her slowly, fingers straying just...slightly...here...and there...
"Naughty girls get their pants and panties taken down...for a good, sound, spanking...on their naughty...bare...bottoms."
"Oh goddess, Em," Z groaned loudly.
Emily led her to their bed.
"In fact, a naughty girl like you just needs to be taken over her girlfriend's knee, to have her naughty, bare, bottom spanked good, and proper, until she learns to mend her naughty, naughty ways.
Z moaned as Em drew her over her lap.
Emily alternately rubbed, and placed stingy spanks all over Z's bottom and quivering upper thighs.
"And that is going to take a long time and a lot of spankings for a girl as naughty as you are Zara," Em continued in the same deep, slow drawl that made Z's head spin and spin...
"Air -- I need -- air," she gasped.
"Yes, you're going to need a lot of air, my naughty girl, crying your cute little eyes out, over my knee--as I tan your naughty, bare bottom, and good, with this hairbrush."
Emily was lightly dragging the bristles down and up, and down the center of Z's bottom, and her inner thighs, but never quite reaching...
"Oh.My.Fucking.God.Em."
"Such naughty language Zara Michaela!"
Z yelped, caught by surprise at the five hard smacks of the brush with which Em punctuated her words.
"Oh yes, I must get this naughty, naughty bottom heated up nice and toasty, right away," Em admonished coyly, her hand warming to the task.
She was rewarded with a growling, "Eeeemmm."
"Don't you worry, my naughty girl. I am going to make sure you get exactly what you need..."
Monday, September 06, 2004
the missing one came home (warning: SAPPY)
When Jackie's children--Hailey, Caroline, and Issac--were each very young, all loved a particular story she would sometimes tell at bedtime.
Jackie would tell them how, even before they had begun growing in mommy's tummy, each of their (three) souls were waiting in heaven; and each had long been destined to become those of mommy and daddy's children.
Although she is no cynic either, Jackie is not one to buy easily into many "new age" concepts, if you will.
However, the story she told is one Jackie knows, with all her heart, to be true.
Since the time Jackie had last told that story to Issac, her youngest, she has come to believe, with equal strength, that there had been an additional fourth soul.
Some kind of awful mistake, or mishap, however, had occurred--and that soul had gotten lost.
How else could one explain the feelings she has had for Zara from nearly the first moment she set sight on that 9-year-old little girl...
Between the births of Caroline and Issac, Jackie had another pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage.
Her due date for the child she had been carrying was October 31, 1990--
The very day one Zara Michaela Santi was born, not ten miles away.
Eleven+ years later, 'Jax' carried Zara out of a house, away from that scene, that had indeed been truly awful.
She had not allowed herself to notice, until then, the empty space she carried in her heart.
That very night, however, Jax realized the hole had been filled.
Her missing soul had finally made its way home.
When Jackie's children--Hailey, Caroline, and Issac--were each very young, all loved a particular story she would sometimes tell at bedtime.
Jackie would tell them how, even before they had begun growing in mommy's tummy, each of their (three) souls were waiting in heaven; and each had long been destined to become those of mommy and daddy's children.
Although she is no cynic either, Jackie is not one to buy easily into many "new age" concepts, if you will.
However, the story she told is one Jackie knows, with all her heart, to be true.
Since the time Jackie had last told that story to Issac, her youngest, she has come to believe, with equal strength, that there had been an additional fourth soul.
Some kind of awful mistake, or mishap, however, had occurred--and that soul had gotten lost.
How else could one explain the feelings she has had for Zara from nearly the first moment she set sight on that 9-year-old little girl...
Between the births of Caroline and Issac, Jackie had another pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage.
Her due date for the child she had been carrying was October 31, 1990--
The very day one Zara Michaela Santi was born, not ten miles away.
Eleven+ years later, 'Jax' carried Zara out of a house, away from that scene, that had indeed been truly awful.
She had not allowed herself to notice, until then, the empty space she carried in her heart.
That very night, however, Jax realized the hole had been filled.
Her missing soul had finally made its way home.
oh no don't you put me in that box you know what you can do with those locks bet your life i'll come crawling out again you'll have to deal with me then you'll hear me in the wind...